06 October 2010

Hamish and Dave: The Lost Anky Interview

We were beginning to think they were pulling our leg, but here it is finally.

WEG Horse Psychic Readings by Bill Northern

PhotobucketAs mentioned on the Twitter, we had a Bill Northern sighting while driving around Lexington the other day. Bill Northern drives a Lincoln Town Car with a sign saying "Bill Northern, Horse Psychic" on the back of it, and that's pretty funny. Especially never having heard of him before, or even realizing that there were any specialized horse psychics running around, we thought it was hilarious. And so had to do some Googling. Turns out Mr. Northern is a top-rated horse psychic with a résumé that's nothing to giggle at.

Now we can't be certain he's doing readings on WEG horses, but the car is from Virginia, so we thought there just might be a reason he's in town. Maybe he's talking to some racehorses but we're going to go with WEG horses, because that's funnier. Besides, we're not journalists so we don't have to worry about facts. Plus it's the Internet.

That's not an Amish guy, that's Bill Northern, Horse Psychic
So here's what some WEG horses had to say.

Moorlands Totilas: It was a nice offer, but I love Edward. I don't want to stay in America, I'm happy. Although the groupies are a bit much. Get a grip, people. I know I'm cute, but it's not the freaking Beatles! But superstardom can open a lot of doors, so when do I get to meet Hamish and Dave?

Sapphire: I hope McLain doesn't blow this for me in the catch riding part. And on that subject, can we please get rid of the final four? It's too much for the horses. Thanks. It also separates the championship title from the real star of the show (that's me). Also not crazy about the idea of having three clueless hacks in the saddle. And HRH don't try any funny business. You're not a judge, much less a vet. BUTT OUT, LADY.

Jerich Parzival: A rule is a rule, I get it, but seriously it was no big deal, an accident. Just like when Liebling did the exact same thing a couple of months ago, as reported by Horse and Hound, FFS!, and no one labeled Carl the anti-christ. WTF? Also, having that weird picture of my tongue broadcast to the entire world was humiliating. Thanks for that! I feel terribly for Adelinde.

Name your German eventing horse: I'm really feeling a lot of pressure. The guys from Warendorf keep coming through the stables giving us really stern looks. I'm afraid if we don't win some stuff soon, we're going to be in big trouble. OK so we got a bronze in endurance, but since when does anyone in Warendorf care about endurance? Word around the stables is that we don't mention the bronze in dressage. Germany can't get bronze in dressage, that never happened. Sort of like Team USA only getting silver at the 2008 world reining championships in Italy. They even got the FEI pretending it never happened!

Exquis Nadine: I want to be a superstar like Toto and Parzival. I got so much attention for falling down in the stables, I decided to mix it up in the arena too. You WILL notice me. I'm like the equine Mary Katherine Gallagher...SUPERSTAR!!!

Ciel Oriental: I wish He would have ridden Acadienne instead, that course was a bitch! Give me a flat desert race at 35 km/h any old time. Also I was completely sound all day, and not just because my rider sponsored the event! I just trot weird, especially in front of vets. You can see it on the raw video on the usefnetwork. Oh wait, there were "technical difficulties" with just that one video, so never mind, it's no longer available. As for getting booed at completion, right backatcha! We're outta here! (did anyone really think He was going to give you guys another chance to boo Him at the awards?)

Liebling II: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. Loving that silver, we Brits are really something!

Name your German jumping horse: Thankfully Sam won the individual eventing, that helps, but the team really blew it. I'm not sure I can take the stress, I feel faint. Maybe they'll give me some arnica and lactanase. But then, that didn't end so well the last time...

Whizashiningwalla BB: They should have named me Dun Rollkur 2 Death...make that Dun LDR 2 Death. Dressage horses get all the good names.

Mistral Hojris: It's on for 2012, bitches!!! Also, I'm big boned.

Havenir d'Azac: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. But then, no one's out to make French eventers look bad.

More from Sapphire (she's very chatty): Also I'd like all my fans to look at my cute baby picture on The Chronicle! That's when you know you're a real superstar, when they publish your baby picture.

01 October 2010

COPS: WEG Edition

Dave and Hamish nearly get arrested, it's fantastic. And looks like they got a new sponsor, but apparently not enough to get them a much needed production crew, just some nice jackets.

Here's their previous episode where they get drunk, get some hot dates, and learn the language. As a perturbed Carrot reader recently wrote us, "Glad somebody's producing some comedy around here!"

Dave and Hamish also appeared on the 2010 WEG Radio Show, and have been offered to do an Aussie show on the Horse Radio Network, which promises to be phenomenal!

26 September 2010

Hamish and Dave Are A Tease

With this short little video offering, and after tempting us with an Anky interview! But it's still very funny, so we forgave them. You can also follow Hamish and Dave on their blog, which actually appears to be Hamish's blog, just like @hamishanddave is Hamish's Twitter account and Dave is apparently not allowed near any of it. Hamish is clearly in charge of this operation to a degree we find concerning. Is Dave oppressed? Or does he happily play the knuckle dragging neanderthal jester? After all, he did get a free trip to America and maybe even some free socks at Wal-Mart. But don't be surprised if there are some fireworks about halfway through this thing. A sidekick can only take so much. Stay tuned.

20 September 2010

Hamish and Dave's Airport Sendoff

Our favorite entertainment-style equestrian reporters, Hamish and Dave, have wasted no time with their first effort, a very informative yet fun look at getting the Australian horses ready for flight. Well done! And thanks to what is surely the best equestrian federation in the world, Equestrian Australia.

19 September 2010

Lawsuit Update

Despite having dropped her lawsuit against Eurodressage's Astrid Appels, superstar Anky van Grunsven appears to have set off a whirlwind of legal activity throughout the FEI Nation. We'll try to provide a complete roundup.

First out of the gate, Astrid Appels has sued KroketjeMet, the maker of the popular Larry King video, feeling defamated* by her depiction as Sarah Palin and demanding removal of the clip from YouTube. Like any Continental worthy of an EU passport, Dr. Appels is apparently not a fan of the Wacky Alasky. But it's not "censorship," because that would be hypocritical. You betcha.

Sarah Palin likewise has filed suit against KroketjeMet as well, feeling defamated by her depiction as Astrid Appels. "I don't like this kinda 'gotcha journalism,'" Ms. Palin stated. "It's kinda like that Katie Couric character asking me all those tough questions on TV about what magazines I read up here in Alaska and stuff like that. Gotcha, you betcha! Plus where the hell is Belgium, anyway? I can't even see that from my house! 'He' may have a lot of beer, but we've got Budweiser, and that's the only beer that matters."

KroketjeMet in response has sued xtranormal.com for not providing enough flexibility in character choices. The FEI Nation has collectively joined that suit making it now a class action.

Upon learning that Budweiser and indeed all of Anheuser-Busch had been bought up by Belgian brewing giant InBev, Ms. Palin decided to also sue Belgium, as soon as she finds it on a map.

In another interesting development, Ms. van Grunsven has sued her own husband Sjef Janssen, ironically for exercising his right to "free speech" by allegedly calling Dr. Appels "een superbitch" and "die Duitse journalisten maffia," helping Dr. Appels to rally the masses against them and ruining a quiet, everyday lawsuit. The great irony of it all being that as private speech, Mr. Janssen's actions (as reported) were easily far more protected by law than what a journalist might get up to in editorializing news reports, and since unpublished could never be "slanderous" (sic), as claimed by Dr. Appels. Or even libelous. Not to mention his actions were legally irrelevant since he was not even a party to the suit, that last basic fact conspicuously lost on Eurodressage's cohort, Dressagedaily.com.

Mr. Janssen has not yet decided on who to sue in response, but he's probably working on it. Maybe the entire Internet. Or its inventor, Al Gore. Or the FEI, because when in doubt, it's best just to blame them. Lawsuit bingo!

Subsequently Astrid Appels has sued Astrid Appels, having apparently defamated herself by publishing Mr. Janssen's private and thus previously non-"slanderous" remarks. We hope she hires less amateurish attorneys this time around as those guys were clearly hacks from the start. (likely one reason why this thing had to be moved to the court of public opinion.)

The FEI then sued Anky van Grunsven for starting this whole rollkur circus up again just when they thought they had gotten away with it all. They do not, however, feel defamated, because. . .well, they're used to it.

Another dressage superstar, Moorlands Totilas, has cemented his status by suing the publisher of Klubequus.org. Mr. Totilas feels defamated by his depiction as a "gaited warmblood" and insists no photos of him may be used in relation to odd varieties of horses bred, trained and sometimes abused to do weird things with their legs.

Respected actor and sometime homeless rap artist Joaquin Phoenix has also sued Astrid Appels, surprisingly feeling defamated by a recent tweet in which she likened him to someone living in a cardboard box. Mr. Phoenix tweeted in response, "@eurodressage, u rly r a superbitch."

And finally in other Hollywood news, Prince has sued The Carrot, feeling defamated by our usage of The Symbol Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince in relation to The Training Method Formerly Known As Rollkur. Prince insists he does not condone rollkur by any definition and has never done rollkur by any definition with any horse, ever. Stated The Artist's attorney, "Despite his image, even Prince is not that kinky."

And that's our lawsuit roundup for the week ending September 19.

*yes we know defamated is not really a word, but since it entered the vernacular via a real live journalist/blogger, we think it's an improvement on the original

16 September 2010

True Innovation From Down Under

A delightful reader sent us this video and I figured maybe you had to be Australian to get it. Or at least drunk. But then I saw an Equestrian Australia news item and it made a lot more sense. Turns out EA is the first equestrian federation to officially, publicly demonstrate a sense of humor. This is true innovation. They are bringing "entertainment-style" reporting of the WEG to the masses of Aussies who have to stay home. And to any others who can understand what they're saying. Brilliant.

We expect great things from these guys and will be following them closely. Don't hold back. The adult beverages should help. Comedy: it's contagious.

We Were Captioning Photos When John Was Still In Short Pants

Thanks to Arden for the fascinating Horse Mania pics from Lexington. This is an outdoor exhibit that you will see if you go to the WEG, in case the mostly horseless FEI exhibit leaves you craving some equine art. Especially if all you could afford was a lousy grounds pass and you only got to pet a penguin, you can go downtown and at least get to pet a fiberglass horse. Although I suspect the artists frown on that. You can see all the creations on the Horse Mania website. I like the chocolate one best. Yum!

As for photo captions, there have been some excellent ones at HaHaHorses recently, and sometimes they even win! Remember kids, the more funny people participate, the more funny there will be. And most importantly all proceeds go to equine charities!

15 September 2010

Innovative WEG Demonstration Event

In the fine FEI tradition of equine irrelevancy, the WEG should feature the following innovative demonstration event, horseless show jumping! Because who needs horses when you have strippers?

This one came from Eventing Nation awhile back, and as always with EN, it's the little bits of humor John adds that make it all worthwhile:
This video is BSFW--barely safe for work--in the sense that you can watch it and still go to heaven but you definitely don't want a co-worker to wander up behind you because they will not understand.
These guys sure can jump though.

Here's an example from the innovative, mostly horseless FEI photo exhibit and then of course there are the innovative, entirely horseless FEI awards coming up in November. All very inspirational. Actually all this pic inspired me to do was rent Thelma & Louise, but maybe that was the point.
Photo: Liz Gregg

We Can Caption Photos Too

If you don't recognize this fascinating character, you must have just joined us. Read this and it will all make sense.