06 October 2010

WEG Horse Psychic Readings by Bill Northern

PhotobucketAs mentioned on the Twitter, we had a Bill Northern sighting while driving around Lexington the other day. Bill Northern drives a Lincoln Town Car with a sign saying "Bill Northern, Horse Psychic" on the back of it, and that's pretty funny. Especially never having heard of him before, or even realizing that there were any specialized horse psychics running around, we thought it was hilarious. And so had to do some Googling. Turns out Mr. Northern is a top-rated horse psychic with a résumé that's nothing to giggle at.

Now we can't be certain he's doing readings on WEG horses, but the car is from Virginia, so we thought there just might be a reason he's in town. Maybe he's talking to some racehorses but we're going to go with WEG horses, because that's funnier. Besides, we're not journalists so we don't have to worry about facts. Plus it's the Internet.

That's not an Amish guy, that's Bill Northern, Horse Psychic
So here's what some WEG horses had to say.

Moorlands Totilas: It was a nice offer, but I love Edward. I don't want to stay in America, I'm happy. Although the groupies are a bit much. Get a grip, people. I know I'm cute, but it's not the freaking Beatles! But superstardom can open a lot of doors, so when do I get to meet Hamish and Dave?

Sapphire: I hope McLain doesn't blow this for me in the catch riding part. And on that subject, can we please get rid of the final four? It's too much for the horses. Thanks. It also separates the championship title from the real star of the show (that's me). Also not crazy about the idea of having three clueless hacks in the saddle. And HRH don't try any funny business. You're not a judge, much less a vet. BUTT OUT, LADY.

Jerich Parzival: A rule is a rule, I get it, but seriously it was no big deal, an accident. Just like when Liebling did the exact same thing a couple of months ago, as reported by Horse and Hound, FFS!, and no one labeled Carl the anti-christ. WTF? Also, having that weird picture of my tongue broadcast to the entire world was humiliating. Thanks for that! I feel terribly for Adelinde.

Name your German eventing horse: I'm really feeling a lot of pressure. The guys from Warendorf keep coming through the stables giving us really stern looks. I'm afraid if we don't win some stuff soon, we're going to be in big trouble. OK so we got a bronze in endurance, but since when does anyone in Warendorf care about endurance? Word around the stables is that we don't mention the bronze in dressage. Germany can't get bronze in dressage, that never happened. Sort of like Team USA only getting silver at the 2008 world reining championships in Italy. They even got the FEI pretending it never happened!

Exquis Nadine: I want to be a superstar like Toto and Parzival. I got so much attention for falling down in the stables, I decided to mix it up in the arena too. You WILL notice me. I'm like the equine Mary Katherine Gallagher...SUPERSTAR!!!

Ciel Oriental: I wish He would have ridden Acadienne instead, that course was a bitch! Give me a flat desert race at 35 km/h any old time. Also I was completely sound all day, and not just because my rider sponsored the event! I just trot weird, especially in front of vets. You can see it on the raw video on the usefnetwork. Oh wait, there were "technical difficulties" with just that one video, so never mind, it's no longer available. As for getting booed at completion, right backatcha! We're outta here! (did anyone really think He was going to give you guys another chance to boo Him at the awards?)

Liebling II: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. Loving that silver, we Brits are really something!

Name your German jumping horse: Thankfully Sam won the individual eventing, that helps, but the team really blew it. I'm not sure I can take the stress, I feel faint. Maybe they'll give me some arnica and lactanase. But then, that didn't end so well the last time...

Whizashiningwalla BB: They should have named me Dun Rollkur 2 Death...make that Dun LDR 2 Death. Dressage horses get all the good names.

Mistral Hojris: It's on for 2012, bitches!!! Also, I'm big boned.

Havenir d'Azac: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. But then, no one's out to make French eventers look bad.

More from Sapphire (she's very chatty): Also I'd like all my fans to look at my cute baby picture on The Chronicle! That's when you know you're a real superstar, when they publish your baby picture.