Official: BFFs USEF And FEI Have Broken Up, USEFEI No Longer Exists

In a shocking display of backstabbing, the FEI has thrown its BFF (and their star mare) under the bus in Geneva. USEF had quickly become a major liability for the FEI in this nascent Post-Morrissey Clusterfuck Era,  in which Somebody has to show they're super keen on horsey welfare and "integrity," unlike those crooked Americans who cover for their VIPs and blind judges, secretly develop NSAID proposals leaving everyone else in the dark against the FEI Statutes, and even want to—gasp!—jump ornery chestnut mares that don't like their pasterns poked. The FEI would never do such things!

We know, it's almost as sad as Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Or J-Lo and Ben Affleck, formerly known as Bennifer. It's really over; we must accept it. In a prepared statement, the FEI declared, "See, USEF is so NOT our BFF!" The USEF responded, "This is worse than being broken up with via text. We thought they should have honoured what we had together with some face-to-face closure. But on the plus side, if we're no longer the FEI's BFF, we'll probably be less popular on The Carrot."

We'll have more on this breaking-up story later, but we just wanted to get the real news out there, to help the conspiracy theorists refine their presently rather unsophisticated hypotheses. Wait, isn't the media supposed to report the real news, and then we make fun of it? The Carrot is confused.

For the purposes of this graphic, you have to accept that the FEI is a bear, because our senior graphic designer who is the only one who can change the FEI into a more suitable animal is busy. Just roll with it.
Subscribe in a reader

Subscribe by email