11 July 2010

Clean Sport Update: FEI Retains Paul the Psychic Octopus, Refines Witch Hunt Protocol

In the aftermath of the FEI World Cup fiasco, The FEI: Clean Sport Division has retained the services of FIFA World Cup sensation Paul, the Psychic Octopus. At each major event, Paul will be given a choice of two chestnut mares from which to choose in helping to put on the proper display of "welfare" concern. Coming under fire for reliance on so-called "anonymous" tips, the FEI emphasizes that Paul's transparent psychic screening process will introduce more objectivity into the bogus hypersensitivity evaluation. These revisions to the Witch Hunt Protocol are effective immediately.

In a last minute addition  intended to create a "win-win" situation for all parties involved, or something like that, riders/owners/NFs of chestnut mares who are having a hard time financially are also free to propose their steeds for consideration by Paul, who will nevertheless demonstrate the utmost integrity in not being swayed by financial need while determining who is and is not probably hypersensitive.

Paul's appointment was recommended by the Stevens Commission. Or the Clean Sport Commission. Or some shadowy undisclosed conflux of two somewhat nebulous commissions which were "dovetailed" for the purpose of drastically increased bullshit dissemination last year. In any case, some really important people who have the ear of HRH thought it would be a SUPER idea. And you should too.

Many thanks to Horsetalk’s four-legged blogger Geldoff, and of course to Paul himself, for inspiring this entirely fictional story.

For more fake news on Paul, visit The Spoof.

For more fake news on the FEI or USEF, you can now get that from them directly; they have cut out the middle man.
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