18 March 2010

Official: More People Want To Ban Equestrianism Than Support Patrik Kittel

Because online petitions are so very meaningful and the FEI so very reactive, The Carrot has been tracking closely the petition to ban all equestrianism, put forth by a fascinating character named Alexander Nevzorov, who depending on who we consult about his possible KGB affiliation employment history, we might want to stop messing with. We found the following excerpt from his book, The Horse Crucified and Risen, somewhat personally disturbing:

"The bloodstained carrot immediately drops out and goes tumbling across the surface of the arena. May you see this scene before your eyes the next time you take your nephew to the circus!"

Not sure what the circus has to do with a chapter on equestrian sport, but we do appreciate that trademarked Russian flair for drama.

Despite being very busy teaching his horses Latin, Mr. Nevzorov has thus far managed 670 signatures to Patrik Kittel's 625, although we're not sure that "Canyonoakisanass," "Iama moron" and "Rolland Cantbreathe" really should count as signatures on that last one. But we're certain it highly impressed the FEI, as the scales of justice were certainly tipped in Mr. Kittel's favour as a result of this initiative.

We did not originally notice that Mr. Nevzorov's petition is actually addressed to the "High Juridic Court," apparently some Russian thing which sounds really important and really concerned with equestrianism. It also sounds like something that would have legislative authority. Not to mention that when you Google "High Juridic Court," the only result you get is this guy's petition (and now The Carrot, of course!). So he might want to research that a little more. Maybe you have to Google it in Russian, but personally, we think he'd have better luck with the FEI. With, say, 40,000 signatures (he's almost there! maybe all he needs is for Pat Parelli to email his followers), we're pretty sure he can get HRH to ban something. Even if she has to redefine it first. Maybe he can get her to ban Vaulting, since the Germans are not in charge of the FEI anymore and they're really the only reason it didn't get thrown out of the FEI already.

He also mentions something called the "Nevzorov Horse Revolution," and this gives The Carrot pause, especially when you consider he's teaching the horses a language few people understand. Is he secretly training equine soldiers to revolt and take over the equestrian world? Maybe like some kind of Planet of the Apes deal? Are Anky and Sjef going to end up enslaved and subjected to human rollkur at the hoofs of vengeful, Latin-speaking beasts? The prospects are frightening. You'd be surprised what kind of orchestrated revenge can be managed even without opposable thumbs.

In related news, the chance for rollkured horses to seek legal recourse has suffered a blow as Swiss voters rejected a proposal to give animals throughout Switzerland the same statutory rights to an attorney as they already have in Geneva.

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