Hamish and Dave: The Lost Anky Interview

We were beginning to think they were pulling our leg, but here it is finally.

WEG Horse Psychic Readings by Bill Northern

As mentioned on the Twitter, we had a Bill Northern sighting while driving around Lexington the other day. Bill Northern drives a Lincoln Town Car with a sign saying "Bill Northern, Horse Psychic" on the back of it, and that's pretty funny. Especially never having heard of him before, or even realizing that there were any specialized horse psychics running around, we thought it was hilarious. And so had to do some Googling. Turns out Mr. Northern is a top-rated horse psychic with a résumé that's nothing to giggle at.

Now we can't be certain he's doing readings on WEG horses, but the car is from Virginia, so we thought there just might be a reason he's in town. Maybe he's talking to some racehorses but we're going to go with WEG horses, because that's funnier. Besides, we're not journalists so we don't have to worry about facts. Plus it's the Internet.


That's not an Amish guy, that's Bill Northern, Horse Psychic

So here's what some WEG horses had to say.


Moorlands Totilas: It was a nice offer, but I love Edward. I don't want to stay in America, I'm happy. Although the groupies are a bit much. Get a grip, people. I know I'm cute, but it's not the freaking Beatles! But superstardom can open a lot of doors, so when do I get to meet Hamish and Dave?

Sapphire: I hope McLain doesn't blow this for me in the catch riding part. And on that subject, can we please get rid of the final four? It's too much for the horses. Thanks. It also separates the championship title from the real star of the show (that's me). Also not crazy about the idea of having three clueless hacks in the saddle. And HRH don't try any funny business. You're not a judge, much less a vet. BUTT OUT, LADY.

Jerich Parzival: A rule is a rule, I get it, but seriously it was no big deal, an accident. Just like when Liebling did the exact same thing a couple of months ago, as reported by Horse and Hound, FFS!, and no one labeled Carl the anti-christ. WTF? Also, having that weird picture of my tongue broadcast to the entire world was humiliating. Thanks for that! I feel terribly for Adelinde.

Name your German eventing horse: I'm really feeling a lot of pressure. The guys from Warendorf keep coming through the stables giving us really stern looks. I'm afraid if we don't win some stuff soon, we're going to be in big trouble. OK so we got a bronze in endurance, but since when does anyone in Warendorf care about endurance? Word around the stables is that we don't mention the bronze in dressage. Germany can't get bronze in dressage, that never happened. Sort of like Team USA only getting silver at the 2008 world reining championships in Italy. They even got the FEI pretending it never happened!

Exquis Nadine: I want to be a superstar like Toto and Parzival. I got so much attention for falling down in the stables, I decided to mix it up in the arena too. You WILL notice me. I'm like the equine Mary Katherine Gallagher...SUPERSTAR!!!

Ciel Oriental: I wish He would have ridden Acadienne instead, that course was a bitch! Give me a flat desert race at 35 km/h any old time. Also I was completely sound all day, and not just because my rider sponsored the event! I just trot weird, especially in front of vets. You can see it on the raw video on the usefnetwork. Oh wait, there were "technical difficulties" with just that one video, so never mind, it's no longer available. As for getting booed at completion, right backatcha! We're outta here! (did anyone really think He was going to give you guys another chance to boo Him at the awards?)

Liebling II: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. Loving that silver, we Brits are really something!

Name your German jumping horse: Thankfully Sam won the individual eventing, that helps, but the team really blew it. I'm not sure I can take the stress, I feel faint. Maybe they'll give me some arnica and lactanase. But then, that didn't end so well the last time...

Whizashiningwalla BB: They should have named me Dun Rollkur 2 Death...make that Dun LDR 2 Death. Dressage horses get all the good names.

Mistral Hojris: It's on for 2012, bitches!!! Also, I'm big boned.

Havenir d'Azac: I'm choking on the hypocrisy over here! Humans sure are silly. But then, no one's out to make French eventers look bad.

More from Sapphire (she's very chatty): Also I'd like all my fans to look at my cute baby picture on The Chronicle! That's when you know you're a real superstar, when they publish your baby picture.

COPS: WEG Edition

Dave and Hamish nearly get arrested, it's fantastic. And looks like they got a new sponsor, but apparently not enough to get them a much needed production crew, just some nice jackets.



Here's their previous episode where they get drunk, get some hot dates, and learn the language. As a perturbed Carrot reader recently wrote us, "Glad somebody's producing some comedy around here!"



Dave and Hamish also appeared on the 2010 WEG Radio Show, and have been offered to do an Aussie show on the Horse Radio Network, which promises to be phenomenal!

Hamish and Dave Are A Tease

With this short little video offering, and after tempting us with an Anky interview! But it's still very funny, so we forgave them. You can also follow Hamish and Dave on their blog, which actually appears to be Hamish's blog, just like @hamishanddave is Hamish's Twitter account and Dave is apparently not allowed near any of it. Hamish is clearly in charge of this operation to a degree we find concerning. Is Dave oppressed? Or does he happily play the knuckle dragging neanderthal jester? After all, he did get a free trip to America and maybe even some free socks at Wal-Mart. But don't be surprised if there are some fireworks about halfway through this thing. A sidekick can only take so much. Stay tuned.

Hamish and Dave's Airport Sendoff

Our favorite entertainment-style equestrian reporters, Hamish and Dave, have wasted no time with their first effort, a very informative yet fun look at getting the Australian horses ready for flight. Well done! And thanks to what is surely the best equestrian federation in the world, Equestrian Australia.

True Innovation From Down Under

A delightful reader sent us this video and I figured maybe you had to be Australian to get it. Or at least drunk. But then I saw an Equestrian Australia news item and it made a lot more sense. Turns out EA is the first equestrian federation to officially, publicly demonstrate a sense of humor. This is true innovation. They are bringing "entertainment-style" reporting of the WEG to the masses of Aussies who have to stay home. And to any others who can understand what they're saying. Brilliant.

We expect great things from these guys and will be following them closely. Don't hold back. The adult beverages should help. Comedy: it's contagious.

We Were Captioning Photos When John Was Still In Short Pants

Thanks to Arden for the fascinating Horse Mania pics from Lexington. This is an outdoor exhibit that you will see if you go to the WEG, in case the mostly horseless FEI exhibit leaves you craving some equine art. Especially if all you could afford was a lousy grounds pass and you only got to pet a penguin, you can go downtown and at least get to pet a fiberglass horse. Although I suspect the artists frown on that. You can see all the creations on the Horse Mania website. I like the chocolate one best. Yum!

As for photo captions, there have been some excellent ones at HaHaHorses recently, and sometimes they even win! Remember kids, the more funny people participate, the more funny there will be. And most importantly all proceeds go to equine charities!

Innovative WEG Demonstration Event

In the fine FEI tradition of equine irrelevancy, the WEG should feature the following innovative demonstration event, horseless show jumping! Because who needs horses when you have strippers?

This one came from Eventing Nation awhile back, and as always with EN, it's the little bits of humor John adds that make it all worthwhile:

This video is BSFW--barely safe for work--in the sense that you can watch it and still go to heaven but you definitely don't want a co-worker to wander up behind you because they will not understand.

These guys sure can jump though.


Here's an example from the innovative, mostly horseless FEI photo exhibit and then of course there are the innovative, entirely horseless FEI awards coming up in November. All very inspirational. Actually all this pic inspired me to do was rent Thelma & Louise, but maybe that was the point.

Photo: Liz Gregg

"Fans Flock To Lexington, KY For Alltech FEI World Equestrian Games"

That's a real headline from a recent Marriott press release because of course when the nicest hotel in town is fully booked because they priced their rooms appropriately, they always need some last minute PR acts of desperation just to let everyone know about it. Seriously though, we've seen some great room rates pop up lately (OK so one was a Motel 6), so if you wanted to go to the WEG, but were aghast at the room prices, be sure look around some more, especially for places not affiliated with Short's Travel because there's definitely a markup there. And of course there's that great "sale" on ticket prices, a sale which probably should have happened right after the European Championships at Windsor. Because everyone knows $45 for an endurance race is completely ridiculous. It doesn't matter if it's a world championship. Even for $25 you really need to throw in free parking and all the Pepsi and Papa John's cardboard folks can choke down, or it's still way too ridiculous.

In exciting news, as further indication of the harmony between the FEI and USEF, a statue bust of HRH has been erected at the Kentucky Horse Park in commemoration of all those who did not get busted during her witch hunt term. It hasn't been officially unveiled yet but using our excellent network of contacts we managed to sneak a peek.

Already a crowd has gathered in anticipation to put their own mark on the occasion.

Fans flock to Lexington for Alltech FEI World Equestrian Games

I asked the artist, "Why Molly Malone? I thought she was a fish monger by day and. . ."

"No," he replied. "'Twas bute and bullshit that one was on about, bute and bullshit. But you should never question great art. Simply behold it."

OK, whatev. Sure hope nobody's been stumbling drunk around Dublin lately being told to take a left at the Tart With A Cart, 'cause she's left town. In a reciprocal gesture recognizing this gift from the Emerald Isle, the state of Kentucky sent two drunken Irish farriers back to where they came from. Horses throughout the area applauded. Or would have, if they had hands.

Many thanks to the exceptionally funny Mr Spud O'Reilly.

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WEG Update: Tout va très bien...

We made a few jokes with the Big Ass Fans thing, but then didn't really feel like joining in this whole WEG pile-on that's been happening, because frankly, we found it sad. And largely preventable. But then we stumbled upon some bullshit that frankly, pissed us off. We hate bullshit here at The Carrot, in case you haven't noticed. And this is just so perfect.



Merci beaucoup to JER for posting this very à propos ditty. She should come over to the Carrot, the pay is great!

Be sure to vote in our WEG poll!

Felicity Foxhunter Is NOT Kidnapped!

Good to know that our favorite member of the blogosphere Felicity Foxhunter is still with us and recently active.  If you want to hear from Felicity, just mention something about how she is AWOL and then she appears, like magic! We love it. Her four-legged blogging cohort Geldoff has also finally resurfaced, we thought he'd long since gone to the knackers. Geldoff visits with FIFA World Cup sensation Paul, the Oracle Octopus, who shares his WEG predictions:

"He said the FEI would introduce several new prizes, including the LDR award for Best Rollkur Impression, to be judged by warmup ring stewards, and the BFF award for the Friendliest National Federation."

For more on Paul and his World Cup predictions, here's a great real headline from today's Telegraph: Psychic Octopus Paul Unfazed By Death Threats, Says Keeper.

Still more fake news about Paul from The Spoof.

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Some Big Ass Fans Will Cool Your Ass (And Some Horses' Asses) At The WEG

But it might cost you (we're still confirming whether or not WEG air will be free)

This isn't really a comedy item except that's really the name of this Lexington, Ky. company that is now the Official Big Ass Fan Sponsor of the WEG. FABULOUS! They are, indeed, big ass fans. If I ever needed a big ass fan, or . . . a job in Kentucky, Big Ass Fans would be my first stop, because I can tell the company rocks just by the name. I did some research and it turns out Big Ass Fans has gotten into trouble for their moral shortcomings name with people who don't have a sense of humor. They even get hate mail about it!

"As a professional organization, we feel the choice of your solicitations is inappropriate and crass. The use of profanity in publications for shock value is very risky when dealing with corporations who value respect and decency, such as we do. While you are certainly entitled to your marketing tactics, we are highly offended, and will not be purchasing your material."

Those offended by the name included the Bluegrass Airport, which must really hate the environment and neglected donkeys. Or at least they did two years ago when they wouldn't let Big Ass Fans advertise there even after Big Ass Fans threw in some free big ass fans. Meanwhile there was some big ass scandal involving airport executives, airport money, and strip clubs. Apparently they didn't get the message left by this disgruntled (and grammatically challenged) moralizer:

"Good for the airport. The dumbing and numbing of America by folks like the Big A@@ Fan Company need to have some soap rubbed in their mouths once and awhile. People need to stand up and say "I ain't taking it anymore" from the folks that want to push more and more amoral and immoral crap at us. This may seem a small matter but the snowball is picking up steam as it rolls down the hill and it will bury us all if we don't stand up for what is right. Do Right And Accept The Consequences."

OK that is really scary. In 2010 the airport had a moral relapse reconsidered and it is now cooled by a Big Ass Fan, which just might reduce their energy costs by 30% even as it damns them to eternal hellfire.
 
In case you're worried about your own ass, WEG Fans For Jesus have that all taken care of. They have scrubbed the stadium seat in which your ass will be sitting clean of amoral and immoral dirt and prayed over both the seat and your ass. Because they really, really, really want you to realize your ass is going to burn in eternal hellfire have a wonderful and safe visit to the WEG!
 
As far as we can make out, saying the word "ass" IS legal in Kentucky, as long as you don't do it on a Sunday while trying to buy supplies so you can bootleg some likker because you're stuck in a dry county. Just a heads up. Actually it is worth noting that you CAN actually buy alcohol on Sundays now in Lexington. Our research reveals that was not the case just a few years ago, until after they won the bid. This major, incredibly progressive contribution to legal daily alcohol consumption definitely brought to you by the Alltech FEI World Equestrian Games. Now go buy your tickets you cheap bastards!
 
And in the event you're concerned that your ass might become a big ass while you're spending time in Chain Restaurant Hell, never fear, The Carrot's Official WEG Restaurant Guide is on the way.  Local suggestions from real food-loving readers requested! Because the only thing more important than good comedy is good food. And likker. And free air.

(don't worry, we'll be sure to include a local soup kitchen for those who have no money left over for food)

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