Lawsuit Update

Despite having dropped her lawsuit against Eurodressage's Astrid Appels, superstar Anky van Grunsven appears to have set off a whirlwind of legal activity throughout the FEI Nation. We'll try to provide a complete roundup.

First out of the gate, Astrid Appels has sued KroketjeMet, the maker of the popular Larry King video, feeling defamated* by her depiction as Sarah Palin and demanding removal of the clip from YouTube. Like any Continental worthy of an EU passport, Dr. Appels is apparently not a fan of the Wacky Alasky. But it's not "censorship," because that would be hypocritical. You betcha.



Gotcha!

Sarah Palin likewise has filed suit against KroketjeMet as well, feeling defamated by her depiction as Astrid Appels. "I don't like this kinda 'gotcha journalism,'" Ms. Palin stated. "It's kinda like that Katie Couric character asking me all those tough questions on TV about what magazines I read up here in Alaska and stuff like that. Gotcha, you betcha! Plus where the hell is Belgium, anyway? I can't even see that from my house! 'He' may have a lot of beer, but we've got Budweiser, and that's the only beer that matters."

KroketjeMet in response has sued xtranormal.com for not providing enough flexibility in character choices. The FEI Nation has collectively joined that suit making it now a class action.

Upon learning that Budweiser and indeed all of Anheuser-Busch had been bought up by Belgian brewing giant InBev, Ms. Palin decided to also sue Belgium, as soon as she finds it on a map.

In another interesting development, Ms. van Grunsven has sued her own husband Sjef Janssen, ironically for exercising his right to "free speech" by allegedly calling Dr. Appels "een superbitch" and "die Duitse journalisten maffia," helping Dr. Appels to rally the masses against them and ruining a quiet, everyday lawsuit. The great irony of it all being that as private speech, Mr. Janssen's actions (as reported) were easily far more protected by law than what a journalist might get up to in editorializing news reports, and since unpublished could never be "slanderous" (sic), as claimed by Dr. Appels. Or even libelous. Not to mention his actions were legally irrelevant since he was not even a party to the suit, that last basic fact conspicuously lost on Eurodressage's cohort, Dressagedaily.com.

Mr. Janssen has not yet decided on who to sue in response, but he's probably working on it. Maybe the entire Internet. Or its inventor, Al Gore. Or the FEI, because when in doubt, it's best just to blame them. Lawsuit bingo!

Subsequently Astrid Appels has sued Astrid Appels, having apparently defamated herself by publishing Mr. Janssen's private and thus previously non-"slanderous" remarks. We hope she hires less amateurish attorneys this time around as those guys were clearly hacks from the start. (likely one reason why this thing had to be moved to the court of public opinion.)

The FEI then sued Anky van Grunsven for starting this whole rollkur circus up again just when they thought they had gotten away with it all. They do not, however, feel defamated, because. . .well, they're used to it.

Another dressage superstar, Moorlands Totilas, has cemented his status by suing the publisher of Klubequus.org. Mr. Totilas feels defamated by his depiction as a "gaited warmblood" and insists no photos of him may be used in relation to odd varieties of horses bred, trained and sometimes abused to do weird things with their legs.

Respected actor and sometime homeless rap artist Joaquin Phoenix has also sued Astrid Appels, surprisingly feeling defamated by a recent tweet in which she likened him to someone living in a cardboard box. Mr. Phoenix tweeted in response, "@eurodressage, u rly r a superbitch."

And finally in other Hollywood news, Prince has sued The Carrot, feeling defamated by our usage of The Symbol Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince in relation to The Training Method Formerly Known As Rollkur. Prince insists he does not condone rollkur by any definition and has never done rollkur by any definition with any horse, ever. Stated The Artist's attorney, "Despite his image, even Prince is not that kinky."

And that's our lawsuit roundup for the week ending September 19.

*yes we know defamated is not really a word, but since it entered the vernacular via a real live journalist/blogger, we think it's an improvement on the original

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Sunday at the Movies

Xtranormal.com has officially taken over the FEI Nation, or at least the dressage end of it, with offerings for everyone no matter what camp they're in. We're just going to post all the ones we've seen and offend everyone at once. The brilliant Ilovethecarrot started this magnificent trend with the antics of FEI president Dubya, and we'll be sure to publish Ilovethecarrot's next opus which should be coming along any day now, from that cinematic hotbed Afghanistan to you.

Now Showing at the Rollkur Circusplex 6, Suitable for Almost the Whole Family with Free Popcorn!

Theater 1: WEG News Farce, by Dressagefortherestofus
Carrot Rating ***
I love this news format, and the part where they plug the sponsor product is hysterical: "Sounds like quite the innovation for today's equestrian lady." Then they debate pro vs. anti: "Jane, you ignorant slut..."  Hope to see these guys again during the W-E-G!


Theater 2: Larry King Interviews Astrid Appels, by KroketjeMet
Carrot Rating ***
Brilliant, nice to see the political backdrop get some air time. "Journalist and blogger" (lol) Sarah Palin was an inspired choice! Or, knowing xtranormal, perhaps the only choice...



Theater 3: Dressage Queen, by Dressagefortherestofus
Carrot Rating ***
This one has been a smashing success. It grew on me, I think some bigwigs didn't get it and that made it funnier. I love that she's a real queen and everything. Definitely some choice bits here.



Theater 4: Larry King Interviews Gerd Heuschmann and Klaus Balkenhol, by KroketjeMet
Carrot Rating **
This one has some moments. I love Napoleon! And Klaus as the police officer inexplicably in front of the Bird's Nest, for some reason that's funny.



Theater 5: FEI TV Today by Tongueincheek
Carrot Rating **
I like this one even though the Dutch lady is often unintelligible. "And of course PAP LDR is still the same LDR you know and love." "You just have to be careful that no one takes a picture or video...or they will publish it, and will even cut your head off."



Theater 6: The State of Dressage, by nooyawkmint
Carrot Rating **
These harmless, lovable characters touch on discipline demographics: "Will the petitions stop them too?"

Introducing. . .

The Training Method Formerly Known As. . .LDR/RK/HF/LDR/WTF/DNR

We like to problem solve here at the Carrot, so in order to stem semantic confusion, hurt feelings, allegations, lawsuits and the like, we thought this might be a great solution.

Some Spicy RK vs. LDR Commentary

The talented artist Michelle Guillot continues to impress with her biting satire:

Copyright Michelle Guillot

There are also French and German versions at the Horses For Life Facebook page.  None in Dutch, apparently. Here's another one she did last year that I thought was pretty funny. Assuming you're not the target, of course. We try to be equal opportunity offenders here.

Copyright Michelle Guillot

In some related news, I was on the horseandcountry.tv site recently and started reading an article on Anky vs. Astrid, which sounded really familiar. That's because I had already read it last week, when it was originally published by...Horsetalk! Plagiarize much?

Eurodressage reported today news from horses.nl that the Party for the Animals has posed questions from the Dutch House of Commons to various ministers regarding LDR, alleged rollkur, alleged nasty emails from chefs d'équipe, and what have you. That is...hilarious. This is the kind of spectacle only a political party-proliferating parliamentary system can provide; those elsewhere are truly deprived. I'm sure this is just what the FEI had in mind when they redefined and banned "it"! Well done! Too bad the Dutch taxpayers have nowhere to send the bill.

PR debacles much?

Just When Things Had Gotten So Dull. . .

So dull, in fact, that we had to start some online shenanigans with Eventing Nation to entertain ourselves since HRH has been on her best behavior, the Youth Olympic Games have been a smashing success (did anyone notice?), and so on. . .rollkur's back!

Hoefslag reported today that Eurodressage's Astrid Appels has been sued by Anky van Grunsven. Gee, who saw that coming? This over a photo of Salinero accompanied by the text "Horse in the rollkur, hyperflexed position," which wouldn't seem to be a problem except that it was done in context with reporting the news of the FEI's redefinition of rollkur/ hyperflexion as something very bad that you're not allowed to do, and not a position but a technique used to obtain a position (which is something that would have to be adjudicated). I knew this was going to be a legal issue at some point but expected it to be an Internet-public problem, because I would think the real media would know better. Once rollkur/ hyperflexion was redefined (cue laughter), it would seem you can no longer throw those words around in statements of fact (vs. opinion) in relation to what a given rider is doing without risk of a defamation charge. I think this should go without saying, so put me on Team Anky for this round. Not in the sense of "Yeah, sue her ass!!!" or anything like that, I think it's a shame, especially because there are times when Astrid is the one person who will say what needs saying and I applaud that characteristic generally. It's just that you can make the same point in an editorial context rather than editorializing the news.

Horsetalk has the first English article about it, which quotes horses.nl as reiterating the confusion of LDR with rollkur/hyperflexion as being at issue. Naturally there is a tremendous amount of BS involved in all this, but from a legal perspective, I think this small point is valid, and if someone came to me with that particular legal argument, I think I would readily concede them that point. But then I don't really have a 'side,' so I have no emotion wrapped up in it. It's sort of like if someone gets done for medication, and you go writing that they got done for doping. Not smart. Legally that's two very different things under FEI rules (and that legal distinction is now four years old). In an update, a reader noted Wednesday that the photo alone, sans caption, might well have resulted in a suit as well, which I hadn't thought of but is a good point. In that case I think the use of the photo alone, without a statement of fact when the governing body just changed the facts du jour, is no problem at all and I would fully support her in using it to accompany the FEI press release in question.

I don't understand much Dutch, but some things need no translation, like "een superbitch" and "die Duitse journalisten maffia," terms of endearment Dr. Appels claims (in response to the suit) to have received from Sjef Janssen via email. What this has to do with the content of the suit I fail to see, but of course it does nothing to flatter the plaintiff. In any case Mr. Janssen apparently denies or does not recall having said these things to Dr. Appels, and if you understand Dutch you can listen to an interview here.

Dutch is a fascinating language, with wonderful words like "dressuuramazone." It also brought us this gem from the Gerd Heuschmann saga: "'Antirollkürman' zelf niet vies van inbuigen". I don't know exactly what it means but I know I just can't stop laughing over "Antirollkurman."

"It's a bird, it's a plane, it's. . .AntiRollkurMan!!!"  That would make a GREAT xtranormal.com movie.

In other news, comedy is contagious, and dressage people are funny too! (and good sports)
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Dressage People Have Impeccable Behavior

Except for some Germans there in Aachen

A while back the still-intrepid Karen Robinson wrote a bit about yellow cards in dressage and just around the same time I was thinking the very same thing about never having seen or heard of a yellow card being successfully awarded in FEI dressage competition. That's odd. "Muckrakers" must think alike. In eventing by comparison they seem to give them out like candy, although often for subjectively assessed dangerous riding which is an offense exclusive to eventing. In the other disciplines it's either abuse of horse or the oh-so-much-more-fun abuse of official. Or smoking in the stables.

The FEI website backs this up as there is not even a heading for dressage suggesting that indeed, no one in dressage has ever done anything wrong. That's funny. But not as funny as yesterday's post on Eventing Nation, Monday Fun With FEI Yellow Cards, by JER from the Chronicle bulletin board, who is a great writer and a true star of Internet-public. Since we here at The Carrot are not journalists, that makes us proud card-carrying members of Internet-public as well, and we feel it's important to recognize excellence when we see it. It was this very same gathering place of Internet-public that brought us the genius known as Rollkur Barbie.

As for poor behavior by Germans at Aachen, well, eurodressage is your go-to source anytime you feel the need to really vent about something, I mean really cut loose. If you didn't see the one about the WEG (and mainly some excellent responses) be sure to read that too. 

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More Drama In The Anti-Rollkur Scene!

Horses & Sports reported Thursday (sorry it's in German) that Dr. Gerd Heuschmann has resigned his No. 2 position in the Xenophon society. This follows his very public, very messy break-up with Philippe Karl. However Dr. Heuschmann has not been cast out of the society and remains a regular member. We suspected that his willingness to compromise with the enemy at the February meeting met with resistance from others who do not accept a step-by-step approach, but a very nice insider has now informed us we have no idea what we are talking about. It's just that on the basis of his comments following the conference we thought the guy might have been brainwashed. His assessment of it just didn't jibe with anything else we read from anyone in the "anti" camp, which was basically "this is total BS." But perhaps he was just being diplomatic. That makes sense.

But there are also potentially scandalous rumors afoot about Dr. Heuschmann and Rollkur Barbie, fueled when her press rep, Phelps Media Group, insisted the two are "just friends" following the latest clinic Dr. Heuschmann conducted at RKB's place in Wellington, Florida. Probably she planted the rumor as she tries desperately to rehabilitate her image. That plastic minx is always up to something.

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Checking In With Rollkur Barbie

Rollkur Barbie was the creation of an unknown genius on The Chronicle bulletin board. The Carrot just ran with a good thing.

Prior stories:
Rollkur Edition
Rollkur. Again.

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A Message From The Horse In The FEI Logo

Look, it's been five years since I was introduced as the FEI's new "corporate identity," and now it's five days past when the new rules guidelines were supposed to be out, and I've had it.  I've still got my chin pinned to my chest as if rollkur hasn't even been banned or anything. Don't be fooled by the clever graphics; it's an optical illusion that makes it look like my face is at the vertical. That's what it's all about these days, fancy photography!   Look at my chin!  Look at the neck!  What the hell is that?  Don't you people think it's time you brought Old Dobbin back up, for fuck's sake?

Two out of ten FEI Chief Stewards even agreed that five years does meet the threshold of "excessive or prolonged" hyperflexion, despite regretting they had no real authority to do anything about it.  The judges were strangely not available for this survey. And my neck is killing me, can't I get some bute around here?  Somebody help me!!!

The Fédération Equestre Internationale: We like rollkur LDR so much, we put it in our logo!


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Dressage Continues To Go Epizootic

This is old but we hadn't seen it. It would appear a bull cannot be rollkured either.



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An Interesting Pas de Deux

Or, Camels Can't Be Rollkured (it appears to be anatomically impossible)



Thanks to reader Sara for this fascinating introduction to camel dressage.

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RK/HF/LDR/WTF Claims Another Life*

First the RK/HF/LDR/WTF scourge snatched the beloved, sport-transcending mare Blue Hors Matiné (DEN), even as she enjoyed her retirement frolicking in a field with her friend Blue Hors Cavan, after years of undeveloped potential certainly all caused by the RK/HF/LDR/WTF*. Now it has taken the top stallion Gribaldi (NED), whose aorta was no doubt weakened by all that RK/HF/LDR/WTF*.

Gribaldi's most famous son Moorlands Totilas movingly dedicated his recent winning performance at Neumünster to his fallen sire and hero. At the press conference following the show, Mr. Totilas commented, "I'm not sure how I feel about the RK/HF/LDR/WTF now. I love how the crowds respond to my flamboyant goosetepping which is no doubt a side effect of the RK/HF/LDR/WTF*, but I don't want to develop heart problems because of it. Especially since I'll be losing my artificial virginity soon. I'll have to talk to Edward. But right now, I just want to remember my dad."

Mr. Totilas stopped taking questions and turned to leave the room, until a journalist from St. Georg demanded, "Is that tear in your eye really for your father, or is that from the RK/HF/LDR/WTF?" Mr. Totilas then began to sob outright, flinging horse snot all over everyone, and his people quickly ushered him back to his stables. The question remains unanswered, so look for an upcoming feature in St. Georg where we're sure they'll have definitive proof that RK/HF/LDR/WTF makes horses cry, and no one will get sued.

*according to some folks on the Internet. True story.

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Word Games, Redux

The Carrot has been unprecedentedly inoffensive of late, but now we're well-rested, which is a good thing because we have received some very interesting news releases. Just when a calm appeared to settle across The Continent, the Americans are at it again with their distinctive brand of equestrian silliness. Ready?

According to "The Federation" (USEF), a chef d'équipe is never a coach, a coach is not a technical advisor, a technical advisor is not a team trainer, a team trainer is not a clinician, and a clinician does not need a visa, as long as he keeps his story straight at border control and says he's doing it "for the good of the sport." And the person who happens to answer the phone when they attempt to verify is able to put two and two together and not blow the whole charade to bits.

iRollkur, Do uRollkur? There's A Gadget For That!

Fresh on the heels of their new FEI EquiTests, the FEI are happy to announce the launch of their first ever official mobile electronic device. The FEiRollkurBuddy^TM is guaranteed to detect any active video camera within a 50-metre radius, providing riders—and the FEI—with the peace of mind they so deserve.

Rollkur. Again.

FEI Judges Sent To Re-Education Camps
Rollkur Barbie Thrown Under The Bus
FEI Ban Non-White Horses, Not Classical
Top Scientist: Rollkur* Biomechanically Impossible

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.

















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The Rollkur Edition

Anti-Rollkur Protesters Set Up Camp At KHP
Princess Haya Advises Patrik Kittel
Anti-Rollkur Protesters Descend On US Media
WDM Palm Beach: Salinero Spooks, Rollkur To Blame
FEI To Launch FEI Rollkur Barbie Toy Line

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.


















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