28 February 2010

You Can't Make This Stuff Up: Aussie Version

Some crazy people "abandoned" a fake horse in someone's paddock, just for fun. Then the fake horse got eaten by a fake crocodile. True story:

"While Ms. Mahoney and her family were amused by the sudden appearance of the new horse, [their real horse] McBeal became positively enamoured with the fibreglass creature, nuzzling and necking it until it fell over.

'Then I came out two days later and he had been moved to a different section of the paddock, and someone had put a fly-veil over his head.'

She matched the antics by throwing a red rug over it, leaving it where it stood.

Two days later the horse was replaced with a 4m crocodile. 'The croc had the horse rug stuffed down its throat and was meant to look like it had eaten the horse,' she said.

Ms. Mahoney had been concerned the fake horse had belonged to someone and had reported its location to Hastings police."
No word on how the real horse dealt with the tragic and gory loss of its fake companion.

You can't make this stuff up.

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The Carrot Answers Reader Mail

(not really, but we think you'll follow)

I'm confused; just what IS The Carrot's official position on RK/HF/LDR/WTF?
Great question. We really have no official position on RK/HF/LDR/WTF, and that's what makes it all so funny to us. The Carrot does not really follow dressage. Frankly, we find it a bit dull. If The Carrot lived in Hong Kong, we might have been amongst the sleeping audience who complained about having to watch "warm-up exercises." OK, so that was Eventing dressage, but still. Obviously, we were very much aware of the RK/HF/LDR/WTF controversy (we only live underground, not under a rock), and friends and fans of prior material were urging The Carrot to take on RK/HF/LDR/WTF, so we did. We probably should have gotten on it in January, but we were busy. But then there wouldn't have been Rollkur Barbie, whose truly fantastic existence was only brought to our attention on 8 February.

I'm interested in a career in hard-hitting underground fake equestrian journalism; how can I get started?
Brilliant! We'll send you the password and be done with it!

27 February 2010

Someone New Put In Charge Of Some BS

The aptly re-named BS (British Showjumping allonewordnow, see the story on that here) has appointed a new high performance manager (that's coach/technical advisor/chef d'équipe for our American friends). British Equestrian Federation world class performance director Will Connell told Horse and Hound, "[Rob Hoekstra] was the best man for the job and is not part of the British system so will be able give it a new purpose."

And that says it all, folks..."not part of the British system so will be able to give it a new purpose." Thank you, Bull Shit, we hope that actual winning might prove to be a part of that new purpose. Terrible shame about that Nations' Cup thing. And let's keep some horses in the country; that would be super.

The Carrot is of an age that could never have imagined a day when we'd be pining for the glory days of British show jumping (two words). But actually we feel this is an excellent choice and wish all the best to Mr. Hoekstra, because the organisation is really BS.

More on this story from BS directly and More Than The Games.

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26 February 2010

US WEG Selection Trials For Jumping Under Way In Wellington, Florida

The USEF selection trials for the 2010 Alltech FEI World Equestrian Games began Thursday night in Wellington, Florida at the super family friendly Palm Beach International Equestrian Centre, where you can always get your kid's face painted or maybe even a ride on a llama or something (on truly world-class footing, no less) no matter what else is going on. If worse comes to worst, we're pretty sure that for a generous tip you can just drop the kids off at the Pooch Paddock and be done with them. Because we all know you will resent little Johnny if you miss too much of the horse show. In The Carrot's opinion, they need to get Whiplash, the Cowboy Monkey to set up shop in Welly World for the winter season. Then they'll really have something going over there!

RK/HF/LDR/WTF Claims Another Life*

First the RK/HF/LDR/WTF scourge snatched the beloved, sport-transcending mare Blue Hors Matiné (DEN), even as she enjoyed her retirement frolicking in a field with her friend Blue Hors Cavan, after years of undeveloped potential certainly all caused by the RK/HF/LDR/WTF*. Now it has taken the top stallion Gribaldi (NED), whose aorta was no doubt weakened by all that RK/HF/LDR/WTF*.

Gribaldi's most famous son Moorlands Totilas movingly dedicated his recent winning performance at Neumünster to his fallen sire and hero. At the press conference following the show, Mr. Totilas commented, "I'm not sure how I feel about the RK/HF/LDR/WTF now. I love how the crowds respond to my flamboyant goosetepping which is no doubt a side effect of the RK/HF/LDR/WTF*, but I don't want to develop heart problems because of it. Especially since I'll be losing my artificial virginity soon. I'll have to talk to Edward. But right now, I just want to remember my dad."

Mr. Totilas stopped taking questions and turned to leave the room, until a journalist from St. Georg demanded, "Is that tear in your eye really for your father, or is that from the RK/HF/LDR/WTF?" Mr. Totilas then began to sob outright, flinging horse snot all over everyone, and his people quickly ushered him back to his stables. The question remains unanswered, so look for an upcoming feature in St. Georg where we're sure they'll have definitive proof that RK/HF/LDR/WTF makes horses cry, and no one will get sued.

*according to some folks on the Internet. True story.

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Word Games, Redux

The Carrot has been unprecedentedly inoffensive of late, but now we're well-rested, which is a good thing because we have received some very interesting news releases. Just when a calm appeared to settle across The Continent, the Americans are at it again with their distinctive brand of equestrian silliness. Ready?

According to "The Federation" (USEF), a chef d'équipe is never a coach, a coach is not a technical advisor, a technical advisor is not a team trainer, a team trainer is not a clinician, and a clinician does not need a visa, as long as he keeps his story straight at border control and says he's doing it "for the good of the sport." And the person who happens to answer the phone when they attempt to verify is able to put two and two together and not blow the whole charade to bits.

25 February 2010

By Popular Demand: More Whiplash, The Cowboy Monkey

He even has his own website!

And a better quality video. Because in America, you don't really have a good thing until you use it to sell fast food:

Or undrinkable beer:

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You Can't Make This Stuff Up, Part II

Are the Olympics ready for...Pole Dancing?
IOC recognition is only a matter of time, say the sport's advocates
"'There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport,' she said.

'The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now. We're shooting for 2012.'"
The Carrot avers that a large percentage of the IOC membership are highly supportive of pole dancing already! But we think in this case they'd like to not mix business with pleasure.

"Pole dance advocates note that more unlikely sports have gotten the IOC's nod.

Tug of war, for example, was one of the early Olympic medal contests. Equestrian events are in the Olympics, but who owns a horse?"
Probably more people than own a stripper pole?
"But some pole dancers worry the sensual side of pole dancing, and its counterculture undertones, would be destroyed in an effort to clean it up for the Olympics."
You can't make this stuff up is looking like it will become a regular feature on The Carrot. It sure does save us time.

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23 February 2010

Is Your Horse "Looking For Fun"? (Not A Breeding Advert)

"Is your horse playful, energetic and looking for fun?

Do you want to compete in an exciting horse sport without having to ride?

Then why not try Horse Agility?"
They invented this sport just before Christmas, and already they've made the Nag & Dog. IOC recognition and a movement for Olympic inclusion are surely right around the corner. The inventor says, "It's like dog agility, but with bigger obstacles." Yeah, but…you can't ride a dog*!

22 February 2010

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Jumpers...

This photo sequence came to us via email and we have no idea of the origin, but found it very funny. And entirely inoffensive!

"Thanks for that, Mum!"

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European Equestrian Federation To Launch Developing NF Adoption Programme

Leaders of the newly formed European Equestrian Federation have wasted no time in promoting their first official initiative, the Adopt A Developing NF mentorship programme. In this ambitious and surely-not-politically-motivated undertaking, a wealthy European federation can apply to the EEF to be paired with a developing equestrian nation with little tradition in horse sport and/or little funding, but having the audacity to claim an equal vote in the FEI General Assembly. The application process allows the more developed NF to pick which country they'd like to sponsor; the less developed NF gets no say in the matter and should be grateful for whatever they get.

The mentoring NF will show its developing counterpart the way and the light to equestrian progress and ultimate sport domination, guaranteeing they will match or beat any development funds offered by the FEI in exchange for a vote against Haya's re-election as well as providing their top athletes and officials for educational clinics and coaching, apprenticeships and the like. In return for these entirely benevolent services, the more advanced NF will promise to never, ever ask for the developing NF's vote on any matter ever put before the FEI General Assembly. Never. Not even on that NSAID thing. Or the presidential election. Not ever.

Anyone who violates the EEF's zero tolerance no quid pro quo policy, even out of ignorance of what a quid pro quo is, will be banished to Nevzorov Haute Ecole where there is no longer any riding but they can learn Latin with this guy's horses. When asked if they felt this programme might be perceived as a bit paternalistic, the western European NFs responded, "What is 'paternalism'?" This entirely charitable program already has a slogan: We want your vote to help you! No, really!

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21 February 2010

European Equestrian Federation Formalised; Hanfried Haring Gets Another Job

Hanfried Haring continues to rack up appointments, proving very popular in the aftermath of the FEI president's amusingly failed attempt to have him removed from the FEI Bureau and permanently banished from the FEI Nation. First Dr. Haring got elected to the FEI Executive Board (a small subcommittee of the Bureau), then was elected president of the new European Equestrian Federation (EEF), which was officially formed in Warendorf on Thursday. Said Dr. Haring, "HRH is so screwed, lol" "Our intent is to work cooperatively with the FEI. Look, we even conspicuously let them send out the press release announcing the formation of our federation. And not just because we don't have anyone hired to do that sort of thing yet." Translation: "If she does whatever we want, why would there be any problem?" Commented HRH, "I guess this means they like me, they really, really like me!" The EEF have already come out with their new logo and flag, which look curiously familiar:

iRollkur, Do uRollkur? There's A Gadget For That!

Fresh on the heels of their new FEI EquiTests, the FEI are happy to announce the launch of their first ever official mobile electronic device. The FEiRollkurBuddyTM is guaranteed to detect any active video camera within a 50-metre radius, providing riders—and the FEI—with the peace of mind they so deserve.

18 February 2010

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Because sometimes, you just can't improve upon reality, The Carrot has found the greatest petition of all, to ban all equestrianism, with over 440 signatures since 9 February. From this guy's website:
"What does Alexander do, if not riding? What about Haute Ecole?

[Nevzorov Haute Ecole] is developing, new knowledge is coming, old knowledge is being rethought, values are being revalued. Now Alexander teaches the horses Latin. Details will be available very soon, when the new film is ready."
No, we're not kidding. You really just read that. Now that is classical! New FEI rule: Latin lessons for everybody, to precede the warm-up!

Perhaps something got lost in translation.

We will be watching the FEI closely to see at what point this particular movement reaches critical mass. Should the FEI ban equestrian sport? Stay tuned!

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11 February 2010

Rollkur. Again.

FEI Judges Sent To Re-Education Camps
Rollkur Barbie Thrown Under The Bus
FEI Ban Non-White Horses, Not Classical
Top Scientist: Rollkur* Biomechanically Impossible

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.

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08 February 2010

Bute? Yes. Carrots? No Way!

FEI President HRH Princess Haya is adding carrots to the banned substances list meaning anyone caught consuming The Carrot will be fired and/or blacklisted and subject to an automatic two-year banishment from the FEI Nation. When questioned as to what is the harm in consuming a highly nutritious and entertaining vegetable rather than an NSAID, HRH declined to comment.

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Stevens Commission Narc Hotline Goes Live, European And US Phone Lines Overloaded

Phone service was disrupted throughout Europe and North America this week, after stakeholders in equestrian sport all converged on one single number, the FEI's new anti-doping and ethics intelligence hotline recommended by the Stevens Commission, to tattle on anyone and everyone who had ever slighted them or possibly looked at their horse wrong. According to the FEI, the hotline "aims to enable the FEI to be better positioned to control events, identify offenders, and monitor corruption and conflicts of interest." The FEI subsequently had to hire additional staff to handle all the intel received. The Carrot will be following any noteworthy cases that develop.

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Updated FEI Clean Sport Logo Unveiled

The FEI unveiled their new improved Clean Sport logo today, and The Carrot finds this version much improved over the original.

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The Rollkur Edition

Anti-Rollkur Protesters Set Up Camp At KHP
Princess Haya Advises Patrik Kittel
Anti-Rollkur Protesters Descend On US Media
WDM Palm Beach: Salinero Spooks, Rollkur To Blame
FEI To Launch FEI Rollkur Barbie Toy Line

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.

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