28 February 2010

The Carrot Answers Reader Mail

(not really, but we think you'll follow)

I'm confused; just what IS The Carrot's official position on RK/HF/LDR/WTF?
Great question. We really have no official position on RK/HF/LDR/WTF, and that's what makes it all so funny to us. The Carrot does not really follow dressage. Frankly, we find it a bit dull. If The Carrot lived in Hong Kong, we might have been amongst the sleeping audience who complained about having to watch "warm-up exercises." OK, so that was Eventing dressage, but still. Obviously, we were very much aware of the RK/HF/LDR/WTF controversy (we only live underground, not under a rock), and friends and fans of prior material were urging The Carrot to take on RK/HF/LDR/WTF, so we did. We probably should have gotten on it in January, but we were busy. But then there wouldn't have been Rollkur Barbie, whose truly fantastic existence was only brought to our attention on 8 February.

I'm interested in a career in hard-hitting underground fake equestrian journalism; how can I get started?
Brilliant! We'll send you the password and be done with it!

Seriously, we can help you, and you can help us. The Carrot is lazy very busy, and we rely on a loose web of usually complicit but at times unwitting correspondents throughout the FEI Nation to regale us with personal anecdotes and witty observations, as well as truly outrageous commentary they stumble upon all over the interwebs. All of this is what brings the fake news to life. But of course there are many far-flung corners of the FEI Nation in which we have no correspondents at all, and where the language might be truly frightening. What we have learned with this RK/HF/LDR/WTF business is that there is a tremendous amount of funny out there in the equestrian world, and some of it is even intentional. So if you live someplace exotic, like Oceania, or Siberia, or…Bavaria, we'd love to hear what's going on. Your federation no doubt has its own unique brand of crazy. And surely there are horse people, and even horses, doing funny things, or better yet, equestrian politicos who could use a proper skewering. There might even be cowboy monkeys riding border collies. Or strippers trying to bump equestrian sport out of the Olympic Games.

So send us your news tips, story ideas, or just write it yourself, and as long as it's not utter rubbish, we'll take credit for publish it! It's a very exclusive and prestigious thing to be published on blogspot.com, but we can make that happen for you. Because we know people. We don't need to know who you are, just make something up, like Equestrian Twit of the Year* or similar, and we'll credit you (or not) any way you like. Email: horseslovecarrotsandbuteATgooglemail.com.

*rumoured to be a possible demonstration event at the upcoming Kentucky WEG!

You f-ing morons; there is no "ü" in rollkur!
Ah, yes, thank you, it's funny you should mention that. We were roused out of bed the other night by the German Grammar Police, and it was not pretty. A nasty lot, they are. But it's actually a much bigger fuck-up than you realise. The Carrot had an exclusive in advance of the RK/HF/LDR/WTF conference. Before the FEI decided to re-brand hyperflexion as LDR, they re-branded rollkur as rollkür in an attempted sort of German/English play on words, to make it sound better to the English-speaking world, since German is not an official FEI language and Germany is not even in charge of the FEI anymore. Let's face it: FEiHyperflexionBuddyTM would never work, and LDR was not even on the radar then. But this particular news item was so unfunny that when we inserted the last-minute breaking news about Rollkur Barbie, we did not even notice that we had knocked the umlaut story entirely off the page requiring major editing/reformatting. Thus the 8 February edition went to press without this critically important news item that explained the joke, so it was never introduced.

So the joke's on üs. But we're sure we can find some way to blame it on the FEI which of course ruined the whole joke when they decided to play a different word game. But by then we had got attached to the little feckers and it looked totally normal.

To be honest, Rollkur Barbie was really quite pushy in demanding newsprint that was reserved for another story. She knew with the FEI conference looming her 15 minutes might well be up, and she was demanding a larger platform for her FEI sponsorship deal than any Internet forum could ever provide.

Perhaps this explains why The Carrot has not caught on in Germany, because they think we have been ignorantly abusing their language. So we apologise to our five German readers, especially you there at the FN. But not for having a bit of fun with Breido and Co., which will no doubt continue.

I hope you die!!!!!!
OK. But we'll keep on anyway, at least until we get bored with it. If others think we should die, please send your hate mail to horseslovecarrotsandbuteATgooglemail.com. If it's funny, we might even publish it!

Why do you think the FEI chose LDR Barbie over Rollkur Barbie?
The Carrot believes Rollkur Barbie's tits to be fake, and that she is not even a real blonde. As claimed by LDR Barbie, Rollkur Barbie cannot ride, and in fact only competes at Grand Prix because the USA allow anyone with a three-legged donkey to ride the Grand Prix no matter the consequence for the animal much less the non-existent American dressage audience. Not only that but they'll give you an award at the end of the year, just for your effort. Apparently it's in their Bill of Rights or something over there; Thomas Jefferson was quite keen on it. She also claimed that she never mentioned Tonya Harding by name, but what she didn't realise was that Patrik Kittel was testing his FEiRollkurBuddyTM nearby, and he got the whole thing on tape. And unlike Epona TV, he was willing to provide the original recording to the FEI so it could be properly authenticated.

Do you think HRH will ever publicly disclose the full identities of the secret second List Advisory Group a/k/a "The Industry"?
Apparently not!

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