We Can Caption Photos Too

If you don't recognize this fascinating character, you must have just joined us. Read this and it will all make sense.

Racehorses Should Not Have Stupid Names

Or you end up with a really funny video, from the Barnmice site:

Our Bad: Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two Is Already Out There

And on Facebook! Complete with a devil horse wearing jeans, and lots of compliments from the author's kids. But there are no dramatic readings or copies on Amazon.com, maybe she wised up and only had enough printed for her immediate family. It appears that the real life Latawnya might be the author's youngest daughter, who must have screwed up big time if she got turned into a horse and called out in bound print by her own mother. Wow! Tough love, indeed. What did parents do before there were vanity publishers willing to produce the worst children's book ever, for a fee?

The enticing preview of Latawnya Two from Amazon:

Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two points out the low life drug pusher. The pusher tries to entice everyone to use drugs and drink alcohol. Latawnya Two is an anti-drug children's picture book. It teaches children there are better activities to do with their lives than drinking alcohol and using drugs. Latawnya finds many different good and positive activities to do to make her life better. She has already learned her lesson the hard way to stay away from drinking alcohol and using drugs. Latawnya and two of her friends will see the back of a low life who is trying to hook everyone on drugs. He tries to entice them to use cocaine and meth, but they laugh at him. They let him know he can take his drugs and go. They also let him knows they have better activities to do than using drugs. Latawnya and her friends are on the basketball team. There will be a big talent show. Everyone will audition. Someone will create a beautiful original song and dance. Look out for Latawnya The Naughty Horse - Three. Spooky finally meets his match.

Here's an even better dramatic interpretation of Latawnya One from earlier this year, I think the accent really improves it.

Almost funnier than the book itself is that the author appears to be full-on obsessed with ending the lucrative resale market for this unintentional cult classic, randomly posing legal accusations questions to Amazon.com on the interweb:

sylviagibson53 Asked:
Amazon.com name the person who gave you permission to publish and sell my book and use my name illegally.

amazon.com what is the person name who gave you permission to publish, and sell my book Latawnya The Naughty Horse and use my name illegally all over the internet in different countries all over the world without my permission?

I am not connected to my book at all on the internet. The devil got my book. I am going to take it back with the help of God.

She might be certifiable. But we do admire her pluck in proceeding with Latawnya Two and Three. And of course, there is nothing wrong with the message itself, so all you kids out there who shouldn't even be reading The Carrot to start with, Don't Do Drugs! And visit HaHaHorses instead, where there is plenty of kid-friendly fun to be had!

I don't know how I missed Latawnya the first time around...was I not on the same Internet in 2007?

Nancy and Ronnie Just Say Neigh!

Be sure to visit our home page and vote in our latest poll: Is it weird that the FEI does not have a Horse of the Year award?

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The Problem With Bute Is...

It's a gateway drug. Next thing you know they're "smoking drugs and drinking." I found this hilarious book, circa 1991, while looking for funny horse pics to send to the phenomenal new comedy site that everyone is talking about, HaHaHorses, brought to you by the fun kids over at Eventing Nation.

It's worth a visit to a fun blog started by real live librarians (now there's an attention getting phrase!) called Awful Library Books to read the comments. The purported author is, shall we say, a bit peeved that people are making fun of her fantastic contribution to the Just Say Neigh literary canon. The author also boldly threatens says there's a sequel in the works (as of January 2010):

"You keep laughing. You really will laugh when you see Latawnya The Naughty Horse Two. It will be released soon."

Some more comments:

"With copies of this book going from $65 to $125 on Amazon, sell it and make a donation to the drug free horse alliance."

"laugh it up guys but if this keeps just one horse off meth it's worth it"

If that's not enough of a time waster for you, there's actually a dramatic reading of this apparent cult favorite on YouTube.




Latest poll: Is it weird that the FEI does not have a Horse of the Year award? Vote here!

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Some Pics Don't Even Need A Caption

You Can't Make This Stuff Up For July

As if the world of FIFA World Cup sensation Paul couldn't be any weirder, it gets better: Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Attacks Paul, the Psychic Octopus. Apparently Mr. Ahmadinejad feels that Paul's prophecies are nothing but "western propaganda and superstition." Responded Paul, still surrounded by football groupies, "Hey, I got your 72 virgins right here, pal. Nine for each leg."

A Russian bookmaker has also made a €100,000 bid for Paul. In an effort to differentiate the Russian offer from that of Spain, Oleg Zhuravsky has promised to take Paul parasailing. Which brings us to our Ass Update: If someone asks you to take their donkey parasailing, it's best just to call the mental health authorities. Or sell her to The Sun in yet another publicity stunt and make her play football intstead (worth a click for the pic). With bullshit like that, Mr. Donkey Parasailer might have a future with the WEG organizing committee. Besides, everyone knows donkeys prefer basketball:



In other weird animal news, a dog recently shot his owner in New Zealand.  "The owner has not been named, neither has the breed of dog."  So they're trying to racially profile the dog, then. Nice. Desperately seeking contact details for the dog regardless of breeding is this unfortunate cat, maried against her will to her freak of an owner in Germany (outstanding video in case you missed it):

Please for the love of God, no tongue...

Don't even think about it, pal.

Where In The World Is The USEFEI Tribunal Ruling?

OK we see what you did there

So we knew these kids were up to something based on the wonky press releases, we just really needed to either see the actual ruling, or have them refuse to publish the ruling, to confirm it. If they had refused to promptly publish the ruling after we asked so nicely last Wednesday, the Carrot would have taken that as enough of an answer to publicly pose the questions immediately raised by the oddities in the press releases, in context with the oddity of how this whole thing has been handled. We never expected the actual ruling to see the light of day. But then. . .they published the ruling.

Oh, my.

Just as we suspected, the actual ruling did not match the bullshit served up in the press releases. Why on earth did you guys publish that? How stupid do you think we are? Either the USEFEI is far more stupid than we realized, or they are just incredibly brazen because they know it will never be reported on and they will never be called out on duping almost the entire FEI Nation into believing there was actually a judicial proceeding in favor of McLain Ward.

Nevzorov Photography Contest of Crazy

Our good friend Alexander Nevzorov is at it again with a photography contest called "Unmasking equestrian sport." The purpose of this initiative is aimed at "instituting criminal proceedings against equestrian sport." Yes, really.

To help competitors, Nevzorov Haute Ecole is preparing a photo guide called "The cruelty of equestrian sport: types, methods, and the nature of the cruel treatment of horses. Documentary Photographic Evidence."

You don't need to wait for the special guide, he's looking for pictures of horses with severed fetlocks running down a racetrack and the like. I found this out the hard way while perusing his website. Learn from my mistake.

Meanwhile an "expert psychiatrist" has claimed that watching Mr. Nevzorov's new film is actually hazardous to one's health. And here we thought laughter was the best natural tonic. Mr. Nevzorov responded by claiming the shrink must have been sampling some psychotropic drugs when he viewed it. Not sure who wins this particular Contest of Crazy. The translation is rough but we especially like "Internet-public is greedily rubbing its hands."



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And The London 2012 Mascot Is . . . A Cyclops

The London 2012 mascots have been unveiled, one for the Olympics and one for the Paralympics.

"Organizers hope the mascots will receive a more positive reaction than the London 2012 logo, which was widely panned when it was unveiled in 2007 and was even blamed for triggering seizures among some television viewers."

"We've talked to lots of children and they don't want cuddly toys," London 2012 organizing committee chairman Sebastian Coe said. "They want something they can interact with and something with a good story behind it." Well it's definitely not cuddly.

They put out a video that is even more bizarre than it is cheesy. Maybe this will all make sense with some really good pot.

Somewhere in America's Bible Belt, an evangelical preacher is furiously at work to decide which one is gay. And there's not a man-purse in sight.

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Specially Dedicated To Equestrian Twit Of The Year

Apologies

We have a ton of new readers in the last month and apologize for the short supply of carrots, but The Carrot is presently indisposed. I will try to finish some things up that were in the works without butchering them, but it's mostly old news now so might not be that funny.

I came across this video on a Norwegian bulletin board, it's our friend Alexander Nevzorov teaching horses to read. Or something like that.


Two messages from The Carrot: Hey Felicity Foxhunter, get back to work! And special thanks to Equestrian Twit of the Year for killing comedy.
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Illegal Alien Horses Jump US Border, Assert Rightful Place In Olympic Family

O, Caballos Sin Fronteras

According to reports, wild horses approached and lured horses out of their pastures at the OK Corral.

OK that was the real part. This is still causing Sprout a mental double take because you can't make this stuff up. A herd of illegal alien horses jumped the US border, recruited some locals and started running down a San Diego highway, then infiltrated the US Olympic Training Center, being chased by the US Border Patrol, among others. Seriously. Clearly the US is dedicated to controlling its frontiers against rampaging, undocumented equines. They probably don't even have passports!

Don't Try This At Home, Kids

In the most disturbing pic we've seen in awhile, or at least since Eventing Nation's horse diving spread:














The head of a horse emerges from the flames as a man rides it through a purifying bonfire in San Bartolome de Pinares, Spain, Jan. 16, 2010. (AP Photo/Daniel Ochoa de Olza)

These people should be locked up.

Speaking of Eventing Nation, this guy is really a riot. Be sure to check it out; you don't even have to be an eventer:

News of the Weird: Firefighters saved two horses from a river after a sex crazed amorous stallion jumped in the river to save his girlfriend, which, incidentally, sounds a lot like my prom night.

Go Eventing Nation.

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The Carrot Reads From History's Great Manifestos

The Carrot believes it is important to read, even if you're a vegetable. Recently, we dabbled in Marx and Engels' The Communist Manifesto:

"Democracy is the road to socialism."

"Hitherto, every form of society has been based...on the antagonism of oppressing and oppressed classes."

And now we turn to something that is clearly in the same league, HRH Princess Haya's FEI Presidential Manifesto:

"I see my role as President being as follows:
I see myself as a Facilitator. In other words, I do not wish to interfere with the day to day management of the Secretariat or the workings of the Bureau, but to guide and advise where necessary."

Really?

You can't make this stuff up.

This is sure to be a fun Carrot feature during the upcoming campaign season! Because sometimes, you just can't improve upon reality.

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Official: More People Want To Ban Equestrianism Than Support Patrik Kittel

Because online petitions are so very meaningful and the FEI so very reactive, The Carrot has been tracking closely the petition to ban all equestrianism, put forth by a fascinating character named Alexander Nevzorov, who depending on who we consult about his possible KGB affiliation employment history, we might want to stop messing with. We found the following excerpt from his book, The Horse Crucified and Risen, somewhat personally disturbing:

You Can't Make This Stuff Up: Aussie Version

Some crazy people "abandoned" a fake horse in someone's paddock, just for fun. Then the fake horse got eaten by a fake crocodile. True story:

"While Ms. Mahoney and her family were amused by the sudden appearance of the new horse, [their real horse] McBeal became positively enamoured with the fibreglass creature, nuzzling and necking it until it fell over.

'Then I came out two days later and he had been moved to a different section of the paddock, and someone had put a fly-veil over his head.'

She matched the antics by throwing a red rug over it, leaving it where it stood.

Two days later the horse was replaced with a 4m crocodile. 'The croc had the horse rug stuffed down its throat and was meant to look like it had eaten the horse,' she said.

Ms. Mahoney had been concerned the fake horse had belonged to someone and had reported its location to Hastings police."

No word on how the real horse dealt with the tragic and gory loss of its fake companion.

You can't make this stuff up.

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You Can't Make This Stuff Up, Part II

Are the Olympics ready for...Pole Dancing?
IOC recognition is only a matter of time, say the sport's advocates

"'There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport,' she said.

'The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now. We're shooting for 2012.'"

The Carrot avers that a large percentage of the IOC membership are highly supportive of pole dancing already! But we think in this case they'd like to not mix business with pleasure.

"Pole dance advocates note that more unlikely sports have gotten the IOC's nod.

Tug of war, for example, was one of the early Olympic medal contests. Equestrian events are in the Olympics, but who owns a horse?"

Probably more people than own a stripper pole?

"But some pole dancers worry the sensual side of pole dancing, and its counterculture undertones, would be destroyed in an effort to clean it up for the Olympics."

You can't make this stuff up is looking like it will become a regular feature on The Carrot. It sure does save us time.

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You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Because sometimes, you just can't improve upon reality, The Carrot has found the greatest petition of all, to ban all equestrianism, with over 440 signatures since 9 February. From this guy's website:

"What does Alexander do, if not riding? What about Haute Ecole?

[Nevzorov Haute Ecole] is developing, new knowledge is coming, old knowledge is being rethought, values are being revalued. Now Alexander teaches the horses Latin. Details will be available very soon, when the new film is ready."

No, we're not kidding. You really just read that. Now that is classical! New FEI rule: Latin lessons for everybody, to precede the warm-up!

Perhaps something got lost in translation.

We will be watching the FEI closely to see at what point this particular movement reaches critical mass. Should the FEI ban equestrian sport? Stay tuned!

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