21 February 2010

iRollkur, Do uRollkur? There's A Gadget For That!

Fresh on the heels of their new FEI EquiTests, the FEI are happy to announce the launch of their first ever official mobile electronic device. The FEiRollkurBuddyTM is guaranteed to detect any active video camera within a 50-metre radius, providing riders—and the FEI—with the peace of mind they so deserve.

Still in the beta phase, there are some issues with false alarms which startle the horses then requiring more rollkur, and there is no way to know where exactly the camera is focused, but the FEI felt it was important to launch the FEiRollkurBuddyTM before this happens again any major events, such as the FEI World CupTM Dressage Final. Said the FEI's commercial director Carsten Couchouron, "This product represents the manifestation of the true synergy of sport and commerce, and the FEI's purely benevolent commitment to helping equestrian athletes in any way we can. We have even created a new subsidiary, Proactive International Sport SolutionsTM (PISSTM), in order to explore other cash grabs athlete needs. Next we are looking to the world of Eventing, with the idea of producing our own branded safety vest even more controversial and potentially worthless than the Point Two Air Jacket. The FEI's comparative advantage in entering this market is clear. All Point Two can do is give their jackets away to the top riders, and hope the lemmings will follow their heroes. But the FEI control the rules, so we can make a rule that you have to wear our vest in order to compete in FEI events. This positions the FEI clearly at the top of the race to the bottom mercantile heap."

Mr. Couchouron also stressed that riders purchasing the FEiRollkurBuddyTM should always err on the side of caution and assume the camera is turned on them, even if Anky is in the same arena: "The activists know they are far more likely to be successful making a lesser-known rider the sacrificial lamb." Despite offering a money-back guarantee, however, the FEI assume no liability in the event the device should fail, retaining the right to prosecute any rider whose defective FEiRollkurBuddyTM creates another unfortunate social media/petition-signing frenzy. The FEI guarantee they will still throw you under the bus*!

In a special partnership with Apple, Inc., the FEiRollkurBuddyTM also includes an integrated FEiPodTM with a voice recorder that is not powerful enough to pick up even the most laboured equine breathing. This way even if the alarm should fail, the rider will have objective evidence that the horse was never in any distress. The FEiRollkurBuddyTM will be available for purchase direct from the FEI at the end of February, for the very reasonable price of CHF 125,00, which includes a CHF 25,00 donation to the FEI Athletes Legal Defence Fund.

iRollkur, uRollkur, we all Rollkur. But does anybody really want to be the next Patrik Kittel? Get your FEiRollkurBuddyTM today!

*unless you happen to be Anky

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