01 July 2010

Some Big Ass Fans Will Cool Your Ass (And Some Horses' Asses) At The WEG

But it might cost you (we're still confirming whether or not WEG air will be free)

This isn't really a comedy item except that's really the name of this Lexington, Ky. company that is now the Official Big Ass Fan Sponsor of the WEG. FABULOUS! They are, indeed, big ass fans. If I ever needed a big ass fan, or . . . a job in Kentucky, Big Ass Fans would be my first stop, because I can tell the company rocks just by the name. I did some research and it turns out Big Ass Fans has gotten into trouble for their moral shortcomings name with people who don't have a sense of humor. They even get hate mail about it!
"As a professional organization, we feel the choice of your solicitations is inappropriate and crass. The use of profanity in publications for shock value is very risky when dealing with corporations who value respect and decency, such as we do. While you are certainly entitled to your marketing tactics, we are highly offended, and will not be purchasing your material."
Those offended by the name included the Bluegrass Airport, which must really hate the environment and neglected donkeys. Or at least they did two years ago when they wouldn't let Big Ass Fans advertise there even after Big Ass Fans threw in some free big ass fans. Meanwhile there was some big ass scandal involving airport executives, airport money, and strip clubs. Apparently they didn't get the message left by this disgruntled (and grammatically challenged) moralizer:
"Good for the airport. The dumbing and numbing of America by folks like the Big A@@ Fan Company need to have some soap rubbed in their mouths once and awhile. People need to stand up and say "I ain't taking it anymore" from the folks that want to push more and more amoral and immoral crap at us. This may seem a small matter but the snowball is picking up steam as it rolls down the hill and it will bury us all if we don't stand up for what is right. Do Right And Accept The Consequences."
OK that is really scary. In 2010 the airport had a moral relapse reconsidered and it is now cooled by a Big Ass Fan, which just might reduce their energy costs by 30% even as it damns them to eternal hellfire.
In case you're worried about your own ass, WEG Fans For Jesus have that all taken care of. They have scrubbed the stadium seat in which your ass will be sitting clean of amoral and immoral dirt and prayed over both the seat and your ass. Because they really, really, really want you to realize your ass is going to burn in eternal hellfire have a wonderful and safe visit to the WEG!
As far as we can make out, saying the word "ass" IS legal in Kentucky, as long as you don't do it on a Sunday while trying to buy supplies so you can bootleg some likker because you're stuck in a dry county. Just a heads up. Actually it is worth noting that you CAN actually buy alcohol on Sundays now in Lexington. Our research reveals that was not the case just a few years ago, until after they won the bid. This major, incredibly progressive contribution to legal daily alcohol consumption definitely brought to you by the Alltech FEI World Equestrian Games. Now go buy your tickets you cheap bastards!
And in the event you're concerned that your ass might become a big ass while you're spending time in Chain Restaurant Hell, never fear, The Carrot's Official WEG Restaurant Guide is on the way.  Local suggestions from real food-loving readers requested! Because the only thing more important than good comedy is good food. And likker. And free air.

(don't worry, we'll be sure to include a local soup kitchen for those who have no money left over for food)

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