06 April 2010

A Message From President Obama

"Hey all you equestrians at [name your state or federal government agency], stop reading The Carrot and get back to work!"
As The Carrot's IT director, I come across all kinds of fascinating information to divert attention from my studies.

Weird things people Google and end up at The Carrot:
(and many of them are purportedly in a place called Bumfuck Quinter, Kansas, USA)

"double trouble carrot punch"
We assume this must be a special name for the HRH-branded "Kool-Aid" that proved so popular in Kuala Lumpur. In fact I think we'll slap a trademark on that and start using it:

Some more Double Trouble Carrot PunchTM was served up in Lausanne and the USA today, as these asshats tried to get us to believe that someone was properly disqualified and prohibited from finishing the US Selection Trials, when in fact he remained in the results for a month and managed to place 22nd at the next trial despite not even having been permitted to take part. What a performance! This kid is a superstar.

I tried Googling "double trouble carrot punch" just to see what sort of results would come up because it was just so weird, and I was bored. Who would Google that? And I found a most disturbing site which I won't link to just in case you're prone to clicking without reading carefully, because this guy really, really, really hates horses, just trust me on this.  It takes a special kind of loathing to make fun of a horse that got Photoshopped. I mean, horses don't even know how to use Photoshop! (you can rest assured that is one line we will never cross here at The Carrot)  And he likes really vulgar language, and disturbing photos which illustrate his position. So if you think the domain name is bad, that is nothing compared to what you'll get if you visit his site (thankfully it's not very active).  It's called ifuckinghatehorses.com.  Copy and paste if you must, at your own risk.

"Jan Carrott"
Presumably an imported European dressage trainer who makes an excellent living in the US based solely on his accent.

"wommens gold chain really light carrot"
We don't sell jewelry here at The Karat.

"can horses smell carrots"
We're not sure, but The Carrot can certainly smell bullshit. And there's a whole lot of it flying around at the moment, but we're holding off on properly mocking it until more people know about it, otherwise it won't be very funny. Actually it's really messing up our production schedule because we had the fake news ready before the real news has even really been disseminated. Sorry to have to break it to the media, but a very public unpunished ass-whoopin' followed by some spectacularly failed ass-coverin' is most definitely NEWS. Hop to it.

"the carrot princess haya"
This might just be the weirdest one of all; I can't imagine how anyone would end up here of all places, after Googling that.  Most of these are coming from the same IP and it's not the PR people; they're in London.  So we'd like to say hello to HRH's apparent groupie there in Birmingham, England.  Please subscribe us to your fan club mailings!  We love sycophancy, just can't get enough of it. That's why were here. And just how many times do you need to Google that and read the exact same post? It's the same as when you last Googled and read it yesterday! We promise we won't change it, so just relax!

And then there are the unmentionables. Someone (allegedly) in Iran is Googling very disturbing combinations of words and somehow ending up at The Carrot. Let me just say that The Carrot does not condone bestiality in any way, shape or form. No matter how difficult it is to get laid in your country.

Speaking of PR people, Burson-Marsteller has joined us.
When Evil needs public relations, Evil has Burson-Marsteller on speed dial. --Rachel Maddow, MSNBC
Apparently, so does the USEF, which retained this notorious firm to handle their 2008 eventing safety debacle, or at least the summit about the debacle.  Their facilitator reportedly proceeded to make a mess of things until David O'Connor took back control of the forum. Since Mr. O'Connor has also been running the FEI on safety, we suspect the FEI has also retained Burson-Marsteller, and that's why a culture of risk management can now be identified.  #1 on the Top Ten list of things that would never come out of an eventer's mouth.

While Burson-Marsteller appears to focus on the ruthless despot and eventing safety crisis markets, when you want to eg convince the American public that cigarettes aren't bad for them, or eg sell a bullshit war in the Persian Gulf, then Hill and Knowlton are your guys. And they have joined us as well. Greetings! Please tell your client to stop doing crazy shit, and we promise we'll stop!

If you really don't want us to know you're reading, we recommend Tor (it's free) and a proxy, and then even Google won't know what the hell is going on. And Google knows everything.

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