Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Jumpers...

This photo sequence came to us via email and we have no idea of the origin, but found it very funny. And entirely inoffensive!









"Thanks for that, Mum!"










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European Equestrian Federation To Launch Developing NF Adoption Programme

Leaders of the newly formed European Equestrian Federation have wasted no time in promoting their first official initiative, the Adopt A Developing NF mentorship programme. In this ambitious and surely-not-politically-motivated undertaking, a wealthy European federation can apply to the EEF to be paired with a developing equestrian nation with little tradition in horse sport and/or little funding, but having the audacity to claim an equal vote in the FEI General Assembly. The application process allows the more developed NF to pick which country they'd like to sponsor; the less developed NF gets no say in the matter and should be grateful for whatever they get.

The mentoring NF will show its developing counterpart the way and the light to equestrian progress and ultimate sport domination, guaranteeing they will match or beat any development funds offered by the FEI in exchange for a vote against Haya's re-election as well as providing their top athletes and officials for educational clinics and coaching, apprenticeships and the like. In return for these entirely benevolent services, the more advanced NF will promise to never, ever ask for the developing NF's vote on any matter ever put before the FEI General Assembly. Never. Not even on that NSAID thing. Or the presidential election. Not ever.

Anyone who violates the EEF's zero tolerance no quid pro quo policy, even out of ignorance of what a quid pro quo is, will be banished to Nevzorov Haute Ecole where there is no longer any riding but they can learn Latin with this guy's horses. When asked if they felt this programme might be perceived as a bit paternalistic, the western European NFs responded, "What is 'paternalism'?" This entirely charitable program already has a slogan: We want your vote to help you! No, really!

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European Equestrian Federation Formalised; Hanfried Haring Gets Another Job

Hanfried Haring continues to rack up appointments, proving very popular in the aftermath of the FEI president's amusingly failed attempt to have him removed from the FEI Bureau and permanently banished from the FEI Nation. First Dr. Haring got elected to the FEI Executive Board (a small subcommittee of the Bureau), then was elected president of the new European Equestrian Federation (EEF), which was officially formed in Warendorf on Thursday. Said Dr. Haring, "HRH is so screwed, lol" "Our intent is to work cooperatively with the FEI. Look, we even conspicuously let them send out the press release announcing the formation of our federation. And not just because we don't have anyone hired to do that sort of thing yet." Translation: "If she does whatever we want, why would there be any problem?" Commented HRH, "I guess this means they like me, they really, really like me!" The EEF have already come out with their new logo and flag, which look curiously familiar:

iRollkur, Do uRollkur? There's A Gadget For That!

Fresh on the heels of their new FEI EquiTests, the FEI are happy to announce the launch of their first ever official mobile electronic device. The FEiRollkurBuddy^TM is guaranteed to detect any active video camera within a 50-metre radius, providing riders—and the FEI—with the peace of mind they so deserve.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Because sometimes, you just can't improve upon reality, The Carrot has found the greatest petition of all, to ban all equestrianism, with over 440 signatures since 9 February. From this guy's website:

"What does Alexander do, if not riding? What about Haute Ecole?

[Nevzorov Haute Ecole] is developing, new knowledge is coming, old knowledge is being rethought, values are being revalued. Now Alexander teaches the horses Latin. Details will be available very soon, when the new film is ready."

No, we're not kidding. You really just read that. Now that is classical! New FEI rule: Latin lessons for everybody, to precede the warm-up!

Perhaps something got lost in translation.

We will be watching the FEI closely to see at what point this particular movement reaches critical mass. Should the FEI ban equestrian sport? Stay tuned!

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Rollkur. Again.

FEI Judges Sent To Re-Education Camps
Rollkur Barbie Thrown Under The Bus
FEI Ban Non-White Horses, Not Classical
Top Scientist: Rollkur* Biomechanically Impossible

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.

















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Bute? Yes. Carrots? No Way!

FEI President HRH Princess Haya is adding carrots to the banned substances list meaning anyone caught consuming The Carrot will be fired and/or blacklisted and subject to an automatic two-year banishment from the FEI Nation. When questioned as to what is the harm in consuming a highly nutritious and entertaining vegetable rather than an NSAID, HRH declined to comment.

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Stevens Commission Narc Hotline Goes Live, European And US Phone Lines Overloaded

Phone service was disrupted throughout Europe and North America this week, after stakeholders in equestrian sport all converged on one single number, the FEI's new anti-doping and ethics intelligence hotline recommended by the Stevens Commission, to tattle on anyone and everyone who had ever slighted them or possibly looked at their horse wrong. According to the FEI, the hotline "aims to enable the FEI to be better positioned to control events, identify offenders, and monitor corruption and conflicts of interest." The FEI subsequently had to hire additional staff to handle all the intel received. The Carrot will be following any noteworthy cases that develop.

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Updated FEI Clean Sport Logo Unveiled

The FEI unveiled their new improved Clean Sport logo today, and The Carrot finds this version much improved over the original.













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The Rollkur Edition

Anti-Rollkur Protesters Set Up Camp At KHP
Princess Haya Advises Patrik Kittel
Anti-Rollkur Protesters Descend On US Media
WDM Palm Beach: Salinero Spooks, Rollkur To Blame
FEI To Launch FEI Rollkur Barbie Toy Line

Click on image to read; we guarantee it
will be worth the considerable effort.


















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