Presumed Super Secret Unofficial Honourary Chair of Super Secret Unofficial Second List Group Finally Speaks Out

Like a cheap Tiger Woods mistress hungry for her fifteen minutes of infamy, the purported Super Secret Unofficial Honourary Chair of the FEI's Super Secret Unofficial Society finally came out of the woodworks yesterday to beg for mercy. IJRC President Rodrigo Pessoa "officially" got into the mix with an urgent plea for clemency in desperate need of editing by a native English speaker. Pessoa and presumed Super Secret Unofficial Honourary Vice Chair Ludger Beerbaum urged against the NFs' reconsideration of their insufficiently-noticed-and-thus-illegitimate decision on the very-likely-not-Bureau-approved-and-thus-additionally-illegitimate last minute addition to the General Assembly agenda.

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Next To Get Sacked By The FEI

Lisa Lazarus: We're sorry but this poor woman looked like a deer in the headlamps the whole time at the Clean Sport forum. They really should tell people what they're getting themselves into before they move them to a foreign country only to find out they have been conned.

Alex McLin: Far too unmotivated by anything but money to get himself fired.

John Roche: How this hothead has managed to last this long under Haya's reign of terror we will never understand. And even got selected to be on an "ethics" panel! That is rich.

Catrin Norinder: It's her life; we'll leave her alone.

Graeme Cooke: Earnest, appears well meaning. Made the mistake of answering a simple question honestly at the Clean Sport forum. This might not end well.

François Luther: Will be there until he dies. That rollkur hate mail must be keeping him very busy.

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HRH Long Overdue To Fire Someone; David Holmes Gets the Honour

As first reported by Horse and Hound. Some seem to be confused and think this is really, truly "mutual," so a quick Bullshit-to-English translation guide is useful for these FEI "departure" announcements:

"departure" = sacked
"mutual agreement" = sacked + cash to keep quiet
"denied any fallout" = fallout, and...sacked
"abrupt" = sacked
"out of the blue" = sacked
"shocked" = sacked
"adjustments to the management structure" = told HRH what she didn't want to hear (truth, reason, common sense, statutes, etc.), a/k/a sacked
"we are very sorry to lose him" = sacked
"we are thankful for his contributions" = sacked
"we wish him well with all his future endeavours" = sacked
"I've made a real difference" = EXTRA sacked
"financial reasons" = something other than financial reasons
"no disagreement over the bute issue" = disagreement over the bute issue

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European Federations To Meet, Devise FEI Strategy

The European NFs will be meeting this week to develop plans for this new era in the FEI Nation. Certain to be on the agenda are sponsor considerations, next steps following the disastrous General Assembly, and considerable wound licking. The Carrot will be following these important developments for the European sport, as big plans are sure to be announced shortly.

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USEF CEO John Long "Clarifies" Copenhagen Statement

John Long, CEO of the US federation, has finally "clarified" his truly confounding statement made in the Clean Sport panel discussion in Copenhagen. Speaking of the now-infamous "progressive list," Mr. Long said, "There is no way we ever would have proposed or supported something like that; there are just not enough drugs allowed and the levels are way too low. So once again, I repeat: This proposal did not come from the United States Equestrian Federation, it is not our official position, and we do not support it." Media then asked Mr. Long how the USA delegation voted on the deficient proposal, but he declined to respond.

Mr. Long won the FEI's prestigious Most Obvious Bullshit award for this world-class performance.

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HRH Reassures That FEI Is Solvent, Stresses Unity

Due to last week's long-anticipated, can't-deny-it-anymore financial meltdown in Dubai, the FEI president has sought to reassure the equestrian public that the FEI remains solvent and is not at financial risk. "FEI World has always been completely separate from Dubai World, so there is nothing to fear. We remain in a very strong financial position." When asked about whispers that the FEI headquarters might end up homeless, HRH scoffed, "This is just a silly rumour; the FEI can always go back to renting another headquarters as it did before. There are countless vacant office buildings in...Dubai, for example, and the staff can even continue to ski!"

HRH also addressed the uproar that has broken out over her devious rule changing behaviour. Apparently inspired by her husband's comments on the Dubai-Abu Dhabi rivalry, she remarked, "There is no FEI and European NFs, we are one, who doesn't understand this should do their homework before they start talking, we will be there for each other when we need it. And I want to tell those people who nag about the FEI and European NFs to shut up."

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The FEI Awards

FEI Awards Presented
USA And FEI Seal Partnership
Germany Passes Torch

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General Assembly Wrap-Up

The Extraordinary FEI General Assembly
Epidemic Threatens To Shut Down General Assembly
Sheikh Mohammed To Cover All Sponsorship Losses
Mariette Withages Heads Latest FEI Commission

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Public Service Announcement

The real story on Copenhagen.

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Candidate For FEI Presidency 2010

The Carrot was conceived in late 2008 out of concern for George W. Bush's future job prospects. Following the troubling FEI General Assembly in Buenos Aires, we saw an opening that he might be able to fill, and The Carrot was born (albeit in a very select distribution).

Candidate For FEI Presidency 2010

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